Cousin of racism (人種差別と同じむじな)

My last 4 posts have related my personal life which I hope to stop with this post though they were all in tune with my theme of multiculturalism not working in practice.  My long time readers would know I only question the multi-nationalism pushed by the politicians for commercial financial gain.  Love between two individuals exists on an entire different level.  I have much respect for the people who have the courage to live by love because I must confess I have been rather coward in that field.  

If one of his reasons this ‘Gentleman from Sydney’ kept a distance from me was racism, I cannot blame him because although I am not a racist, I am guilty to some degree of its cousin ‘classism’.  You may be picturing a rich brat, but my great-grandfather squandered it all that we have been on our own financially since then.  Financially I am a middle-class of Japan, but my life has been imposed of many ‘Don’t’ than ‘Can’ because I am a genuine descendent of Shizoku, or you might know better as Samurai Warriors.  Unlike depicted in TV and films Samurai spent more time on study and art so their mind would be fulfilled and content to let go of their lives when their feudal Lords required their service which highly likely to entail their death.  Thank God I was not born in the old days when a Samurai lady would be required to carry a dagger to kill herself should she ever face disgrace of violation of her virtue.  If time allowed she would be required to tie her knees together with a string so during the excruciating pain from the stab in her heart her legs would stayed closed no matter how much she writhed in pain.  

Things have much relaxed since then and most restrictions I have to live with are pretty normal as those withstood by girls from decent background of any country.  A few example are: do not speak or laugh loud in public because it is crass.  Speaking of money is so unladylike.  See? Pretty normal.  What may surprise you that marriages are still arranged among some and it is perfectly acceptable for the parents to hire a detective to check out the background of the candidates.  My relatives were content with my ex-husband for having the ancestors they could approve.  

I do not give a damn for all those things and have lived freely since the divorce…except in relationships.  I have been too scared of making another mistake when all my cousins have courageously stayed in their loveless marriage endorsed by the society.  I am in awe of their patience and feel a bit ashamed of myself for lacking it.  So you see, my mild classism stems from fear of letting down the people that I know and want of a strong stomach.  Not arrogance as you might have imagined.  However, it still served me right that I got jilted by a man from racism.  With the sense of a mild defeat I leave Australia.  A person like me should never have aspired to overcome the obstacles of multiculturalism. 

To be continued. 

Copyright 2013 by Mirror Miroir/THE THIRD RED APPLE All Rights Reserved.

最近4回のブログは私生活に触れてしまいましたが今回でそれも終わりして次回から本題に戻ろうと思います。私の読者であって下さった方々なら本題とは民族の壁を乗り越える夢を抱いてオーストラリアに腰をすえた事の悲しい結末のご報告です。国が経済目的で多民族方針を促進する事には疑問を抱いても個人間の繋がりは別のレベルにあると思います。愛を全うなさる人々の勇気に私は畏敬の念を抱いております。自分が臆病ですから… 

もしシドニーの「紳士」が人種差別から私に対して心変わりがあったのなら責める資格は私にはありません。人種差別主義ではありませんが別の差別意識が私にもあるからです。裕福なドラ娘を想像なさるやもしれませんが祖父の前の世代で財産は無くなり今は普通の庶民の暮らしをしております。しかし士族の末裔という事で「ご先祖様に恥をかかせないよう」人生に規制はかかってきました。世が世なら短刀を身につけ女性として名誉を守る為には自害せねばならかった事を考えると今で良かったです。しかしこの現代においても探偵を雇い結婚前に相手の背景を調べ、こちらも調査されるのは当然な環境です。調査されても困るような生き方さえしなければ良いのですから反対はしませんが不快に思う方もおられるでしょう。 

実際私も「そんなの関係ない!」と自我を出して家でするように離婚して以来, 親の用事や世話を優先しても自由に生きてきました…交際関係を除いては。 二度も失敗を繰り返すのが怖いのです。何せ従妹が皆 愛が無くても親戚や世間が認める結婚に留まり全うしている姿に感嘆すると共に辛抱が足りなかった自分を恥じ入る気持ちもあります。私に関して言えば「差別」は自惚れからではなく「他人からの評価への恐れ」と「弱さ」から生じているものなのです。それでもこんな私が「紳士」に人種差別から拒絶されたのは当然の報いなのかもしれません。小さな敗北の念と共にオーストラリアを去ります。私のような半端な者が異民族の壁を超えることを目標とする資格などなかったのでした。続く

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